Monday, July 20, 2015

Stinky RUUUUUN in with police

This morning I woke up rather early. I got showered and dressed, ate some breakfast, and made some coffee. Then, as I was stirring sugar into my coffee, I began to laugh uncontrollably as my mind was suddenly flooded with memory after memory of my many crazy ordeals that occurred in 2014. They were terrifying and stressful at the time, but looking back on them now, they are all hilarious. Crazy neighbors leaving me piles of letters asking insane requests of me, being screamed at to repent or burn in hell when I complained to management about crazy neighbor, having a different neighbor arrested for hurting his child, having said guy (unknowing that it was my fault he was arrested) begin asking me out persistently after his wife left him, meeting an accused child abductor, being detained and interrogated and accused of being a drug smuggling terrorist in Canada, getting stranded in Kentucky when I ran out of money,  and so much more.

One story I have yet to share, that is quite funny looking back, was my stinky run in with the police.

It was about 9 o'clock at night, in mid to late August. I had worked a morning shift, and when I got home I was exhausted and crashed in bed. When I woke up to the sound of my dog persistently whining, the sun had already set, but I knew I needed to get up and walk her because she had been cooped up indoors all day. There was a pretty walking trail behind my apartments, that I went to a lot to let Lily off leash to run around and burn her energy.

I followed our usual routine of walking a little ways down the trail before letting her off leash, then I sat down and let her run up and down the trail back and forth to me, until she seemed to have calmed down a bit, and then I would get up and walk about a mile down the trail with her.

On this particular night, we got close to our normal turning around point, when we heard something moving in the bushes. Lily got excited and darted towards the bushes, just in time for me to see a black tail rise up. It was a skunk! I jumped back and screamed for Lily in that gut wrenching moment knowing one or both of us was about to get dowsed in skunk spray.

Lily got close to the skunk, and then leaped in the air and ran away from it. The skunk then ran off into the bushes. One problem with this scenario, is that I lived alone, and I have zero ability to smell. I had no way of knowing if I or Lily actually got sprayed.

I began texting a friend, as I was unsure what to do. I told her I decided to continue on my walk since it wasn't like I could go home and ask someone if we stunk, so I might as well continue walking so that Lily would get tired.

Taking about 100 more steps, I heard something moving in the bushes behind me again. I put Lily back on her leash and tried to hurry forward, afraid that the skunk was coming back for more. As I continued to speedwalk, I looked back and discovered a large man had climbed out of the bushes and was walking at a distance behind me. I was somewhat relieved that it wasn't the skunk, but I also became paranoid about a man walking behind me in the dark.

I continued walking, and passed my usual turning around point. There was no way I wanted to turn around and have to pass the man. The trail ended at a busy road, so I assumed once I got there, he would turn a different direction and then I could go back. But once I got to the busy road, he continued walking at a distance behind me. My alarm was raised a little, and I crossed the street into a quiet neighborhood and thought he was no longer there.

As I walked through the neighborhood, I was texting my friend everything that was happening, when I saw that Lily's hair was sticking up like it does whenever she is worried or stressed. I stopped to pet her and asked what was wrong. She wouldn't look at me, and then let out a few loud barks, while staring behind me. I turned and looked and saw the figure of the man far away, but still behind me.

My friend said I should make lots of turns through the neighborhood streets to see if it was just coincidence that he was behind me, or if he was following me.
I remembered that there was a police station nearby, and decided to walk there. I kept looking back, and as I walked faster, he did too. I was certain now that he was following me, and my heart began beating fast as adrenaline was pumping through my blood. Skunk spray had now completely left my mind.

I walked faster and faster, and turned at every cross street. Every time I looked back, he had matched my speed and was getting closer. I made up my mind that as soon as I was on the street that led to the police, I would run as fast as I possibly could.

Once I made it to that street, he was close enough for me to make out his face. I knew I was in danger and I ran for my life as fast as I could. Seeing the glowing police station sign was like the light at the end of the tunnel. As soon as I spotted it off in the distance, I began screaming at the top of my lungs for help.

The man was now running just as fast as me, and was only about 20 feet behind me. He swung his arm towards me like he was trying to grab me, and he shouted out in a manic tone, "You can't hide from me!"

I was still screaming, and had dropped Lily's leash, but she was running right beside me and barking, when I got near the police parking lot and spotted an officer. The officer came running towards me and I screamed, "He's chasing me! I don't know him!"

The officer shouted back, "Who, where?!"

I slowed down and looked behind and the man had disappeared.

I and the officer approached each other, when he jumped backwards, grabbed his face, and exclaimed, "Oh! Oh God! What? What happened to you?"
"I was walking my dog and a man started following me and then tried to grab me!" I exclaimed as I trembled.
"Did you fall in to something or what?" He asked as he gagged.
I had no idea what he was talking about and we went back and forth with neither of us understanding each other until it dawned on me that I had an encounter with a skunk moments before the man appeared.
"Oh my gosh, I have no sense of smell. I forgot, a skunk sprayed me just before the guy popped out of the bushes."
The officer took several steps back and slapped his knee as he laughed, "Bah ha ha! Let me get this straight. You can't smell, and you got sprayed by a skunk, and then a man came out of the bushes and chased you? Oh man, that's a new one for me." He then proceeded to laugh hysterically, grabbing his sides and wiping tears from his eyes.
Another officer pulled into the parking lot and came close when he heard all the commotion. He gawked at the smell of me and then began laughing even harder as the other explained the situation of me running into the parking lot screaming for help because I had been sprayed by a skunk and then chased by a man.
They both laughed as they went back and forth trying to grasp the idea of the whole concept.
A third officer came out of the station and didn't get close enough to be repulsed by my smell, and said that I was the fifth report that night of the man following people so I would need to come in and fill out a police report.
As he approached to escort me inside, he struggled not to laugh and said, "Oh God, I'm so sorry, but you smell really bad."
They sat me down at a desk in the office, and soon cops were all around me taking turns laughing as one another retold the story. A supervisor came out and said they were going to have to move me to an interview room. The supervisor was also trying his best to fight back disgust and laughter.

They gave me clothes to change into, and I gave them permission to take Lily outside to hose her off. Cop after cop came into the back room as I filled out the paperwork, just so they could get a glimpse of the woman who had been sprayed by a skunk and then chased by a crazy man.

Once I was done with everything, I came back out into the front, and it was filled with cops both on and off duty, who had come in to the station because they had heard about me, and were cracking up at the story.
Each one that I passed nearly fell to the floor laughing at my stinky story.
Finally I was out of the station and laughing myself at the insanity of my story, and an officer drove me and Lily back to my apartment. He walked me to my door and apologized profusely for the behavior of his co-workers, and said they just had never heard that kind of story before.

Once I was alone and in the shower, I myself lost it laughing at how crazy my night had been. I had thrown my clothes away at the police station, and I scrubbed and scrubbed in the shower, and hoped to God that I had gotten all of the smell off of me.

But at 1:30 in the morning I found out that I hadn't gotten rid of the smell, when the station called and said they had arrested a suspect and needed me to come in to id him. I drove to the station and confirmed that they had the right guy. They said he had been high on meth and was well known to them. Before I left, several officers apologized to me for laughing so hard earlier that night, and when I asked if I had gotten all of the smell out, one snorted before chuckling "Not quite."

As I walked out the door, I heard another roar of laughter inside.

It took about 3 days before people fully stopped being able to smell me.

1 comment:

  1. I love that you are bogging your adventures Anna. I always look forward to reading them. They are quite hilarious (as you said) and priceless! You go girl!